Parenting is not about being the “perfect parent,” there is no such thing, and it’s not about turning your child into the “perfect child,” because again, there is no such thing. Parenting is about being in a relationship with your child and navigating the world with them. Parenting is providing support and nurture. Parenting is about being dedicated to your child’s growth and learning. Parenting is about teaching a child to set goals, prioritize, and follow through. Parenting is showing your children how to love and trust and gaining their love and trust.
Parenting should not be a constant battle for control. Parenting should not be a yelling match or a fight to see who can have the last word. Parenting is not about making your child feel afraid of you or shameful of their behavior.
So I’m sure you’re thinking that sounds great but how? It’s harder than it looks! I completely agree! Parenting is hard. Adoptive parenting is even harder. Trust-Based Parenting focuses on the parent-child relationship. Dr. Kayrn Purvis and Dr. David Cross recommend using a pro-active approach to parenting that has a balance of structure and nurture. I’ve heard Dr. Purvis say over and over, “If you give your child nurture when they need structure you limit their ability to grow. If you give your child structure when they need nurture you limit their ability to trust.”
It’s all about having a good balance and having a plan and sticking to the plan. Instead of reacting to a child and “laying down the law,” Purvis and Cross recommend using each moment as a learning experience. Setting boundaries and expectations and empowering your child to succeed is the key. TBRI® teaches that it is essential for parents to be very aware in your interactions with your child and be able to recognize when you are falling off the track.
Here are a few ways to practice pro-active parenting.
- Talk to your child about what he or she should expect and give warnings about upcoming transitions.
- Share control and give developmentally appropriate choices.
- Use life scripts, it is so helpful to have simple phrases you can use with your child like, “can you try that again with respect,” “listen and obey,” or “gentle and kind,” which are repeated when the circumstance warrants to help your child get back on track.
- Be proactive and teach social skills and self-regulation by practicing using skits.
- Avoid reacting to the child’s behavior and help them opportunities to work through an appropriate way to respond in the moment ask them to “try it again.”
- Find a way to make it fun. Parent outside the box and use your imagination, try using puppets, stuffed animals, songs and dance and make mundane activities fun. Typically children don’t enjoy cleaning their room, but it is a chore that needs to be done so make it into a game or play music.
- Children may act out to get your attention. Take a break from what you’re doing if you can, set a timer and give your child undivided attention. You can also try involving your child in your household tasks – children can help clean or cook dinner with you.
- Be aware of the tone and cadence you use. Talk with your children don’t yell at them.
Every parent gets off the track every once in a while, because, well, there is no such thing as a perfect parent. Just get back on and try it again. It is also great to apologize to your child when you make a mistake, because even great parents make mistakes. Apologizing is a great way to model and show your child that it’s ok to make mistakes and that they are not flawed just because they made a mistake. MLJ Adoptions Support Services offers support without judgment to help empower you to be the best parent you can be. Please contact us for group or individual support or feel free to participate in one of our classes at any time. We have books and other resources available on our resource page if you’re interested in learning more.
Photo Credit: photon_de
Derived or reproduced from Trust-Based Relational Intervention® resources (Purvis & Cross, 1999-2013).
Angela Simpson, BSW
Angela Simpson is an adoptive parent, social worker and adoption advocate. Angela is MLJ Adoptions’ Support Services Specialist and works with families throughout their adoption process. Angela and her husband have two sons and have just recently added a daughter to their family through adoption.
Angela Simpson, BSW
Angela Simpson is an adoptive parent, social worker and adoption advocate. Angela is MLJ Adoptions’ Support Services Specialist and works with families throughout their adoption process. Angela and her husband have two sons and have just recently added a daughter to their family through adoption.