Healing Grief
03/08/2010
Judy M. Miller
My daughter arrived home at thirteen months, broken in spirit and disconnected. I sensed that she was engulfed in an invisible cocoon. Her cries and screams which happened without warning and often over a dozen times each day, expressed her fathomless grief and her inability to connect. My daughter was trying, but her sensory processing system was not integrated. I didn’t know how to help her, other than to snuggle her up as close to me as I possibly could, many times skin-to-skin, in an attempt to absorb the demons that chased her.
It would be years later until I understood the magnitude of the cards she’d been dealt by losing her birth mother and by being adopted. I, mother to this precious soul, was ripped open. My daughter’s grief and her sensory integration processing disorder connected us on the deepest level imaginable. She felt safe with me and shared every bit of what she felt. Her disorder made me take a closer look at another side of adoption, one that is hard to face—loss.
The majority of us come to adoption through loss. For me and my husband, it was infertility and the loss of another child. Long story short: we grieved and went ahead with adoption.
My daughter arrived with enormous emotional baggage packed full of loss—of her birth mother. The loss of her birth mother was another layer that had to be addressed. As occupational and physical therapies integrated her sensory processing and improved her speech, she began to verbalize the loss of her birth mother. Her greatest grief was triggered around her birthday. She only shared her grief with me.
Her grief (at least for now) culminated when she turned nine. I was ready for it, well as ready as you can be for your child to descend into emotional hell. When she finally was done screaming and raging, and telling me I was just her baby sitter, that I didn’t love her, that her birth mother didn’t love her, that she wanted her Chinese mother, and she wanted to live in China (I had quiet answers for all of these…), it dawned on me that she was trying to justify why I shouldn’t love her. I asked her if she was afraid that by expressing all of this that I really wouldn’t love her. And she cried—a completely different cry I had never heard. I told my daughter that there was nothing she could ever say or do that could keep me from loving her. I gave her permission to grieve. I also told her that I wanted her to share it all with me. Mommies are good for that. I got one her super duper all-body hugs and she went out to play with her younger brother.
During a birth mother discussion with her younger brother in the car months later, my daughter shared that her birth mother had died. I listened, but didn’t say anything. She shared that same information with me weeks later and when I asked why she thought that, she just insisted that she was. I don’t know if my daughter feels some cosmic connection or if she considers her birth mother dead to her because she has come into another level of healing—acceptance. I’m expecting that loss will come up again—when she gets her period, falls in love, marries, and has children. And I will be there, holding her hand and her heart.
Judy M. Miller is an adoptive parent and adoption advocate living in the Midwest with her husband and four children. She has mentored prospective adoptive and adoptive parents for over a decade about the joys and issues of adoption. Judy is a columnist for the adoption network, Grown in My Heart. Her essays and articles appear in adoption and parenting magazines. Judy’s stories are featured in A Cup of Comfort for Adoptive Families, Pieces of Me: Who Do I Want to Be? and Chicken Soup for the Soul: Thanks Mom. Judy facilitates classes for adoptive parents of tweens and teens at Parenting Your Adopted Child: Tweens, Teens and Beyond, which can be used as an elective for Adoption Preparation Education.
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My Husband Didn't Share My Passion for Adoption; He Does Now!
03/01/2010
Ami Hall
I have had a passion for adoption for many years. My first paper in my first college course was about international adoption. When my husband and I started dating I would mention it casually; he would always change the subject. I remember times when I felt this piece of me would never be fulfilled.
Don’t get me wrong, Brad has always had a heart for kids, children and animals have always loved him, but he wasn’t excited about adopting. We weren’t really discussing it; it was more me talking and telling him what I wanted. I prayed about this often, and now I understand God was simply preparing us individually and as a couple for this journey.
I won’t forget the night that the one-sided discussions of adoption turned into a two-sided discussion. Brad said he was mostly fearful about bonding issues and wanted to adopt an infant. My first thought was, 'really? I enjoy and value my sleep…' but this was important to Brad. If this made Brad more comfortable, I was all for it. We agreed international adoption was the route for us and discussed which countries were of interest to us.
Brad and I held a family meeting to include our 13 and six year old daughters in the discussion about adopting. Our girls were excited about adding to the family. I felt comfortable that Brad was not only on board, but getting prepared for this also; he started telling a few people he worked with and his buddies. He even started making plans to give up his man cave to convert it to a bedroom.
No amount of discussion can prepare you for getting matched with your baby. On February 3, I received an email with a picture (the referral) of identical twin infant girls from a country in Africa. I was shocked and thrilled. I immediately called Brad to discuss. We thought we had discussed everything (age, gender, country), but it never even crossed out minds to discuss twins. We just assumed we’d adopt one child.
Obviously, we said yes, but our initial reactions varied. I was excited and nervous, but immediately felt bonded to these babies. Brad was nervous about adopting two, and he had initially hoped for a boy. Our 13 year old was thrilled and immediately started planning their cheerleading careers. Our six year old wondered why we were adopting babies that didn’t look like us, yet was excited to decorate their room. These are the real reactions that we needed to address as a family so we could move forward.
We are all so excited about adding to our family. We also understand the risks associated with adoption (the adoption process can be volatile when dealing with foreign governments), but as much as we attempt to stay guarded about what could happen, there is no way to guard your heart from falling in love with your babies. Right now, we are in the midst of the paper chase, completing our home study requirements, and fundraising to bring our babies home. I have no doubt that God put this desire in my heart, and will provide financially to make this happen.
I often talk to women who have a heart for adopting but say their husbands aren’t as interested. I was in their shoes. God is bigger than any fear any we or our husbands may have about this process. The night we named our babies, Brad took the lead. He chose our baby girls' first and middle names. At first, I wondered who is this man and where is my husband? Now, I thank God for preparing him and giving him a heart for adoption, humbling and slowing me down, and preparing our family for this journey called adoption.
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Considering The Risk To Every Child
02/20/2010
Brooke Randolph, LMHC
I was saddened earlier this week to hear a news story from CBS news about Christian World Adoption. Incidences like what CBS reports ocurred in Ethiopia and what the group of American Baptists in Haiti attempted end up hurting more children than they could ever help. The publicity may make some more hesitant about adopting, but the risk is even greater than that.
Adoption involves many areas of law. Laws and procedures in the child's country of origin must be followed before the child can leave, and laws and procedures of the adoptive parents state and country must be followed before they can bring the child into their home. The laws that regulate adoption are for the protection of the children. When children are exploited or hurt in some way, the number and scope of laws regulating adoption can increase. This can slow down the process, increase stress of those adopting, and even inhibit some from ever starting the process, leaving more children without families for a longer period of time. In some situations, countries have completely closed to adoption. 
Haiti has stopped taking new dossiers for adoption. Although this is likely partially a result of focusing on the immediate needs, it has also been said that it is to protect the children from trafficking. This may have occurred anyway; however, the uproar set off by the group of Americans did not help. In their attempts to help a few children, they may have unintentionally hurt thousands more. We are hopeful that Haiti will start taking dossiers in the next 6-18 months, but it may take longer if they decide to implement Hague standards as part of rebuilding.
There is an orphan crisis every day around the world with more than 147 million orphans world wide! Even to provide a "better" life in America, I cannot understand taking a child out of a loving family when there are so many children that need and even ask us to find a family for them. The parents and the three girls mentioned in the CWA story were hurt, but so were the children still in an orphanage in Ethiopia whom that family could have adopted. How many more will be if this program slows down or closes?
It is understandable that the story about CWA would raise questions about adoption practices and the ethics of an agency. As a Hague Approved agency, we take extra precautions to prevent child trafficking and child endangerment. We are audited every year. We are careful about our staff choices, both here and in the foreign countries where we have adoption programs. We will not work with anyone who we think may be acting unethically or not treating children well.
Perhaps more important to building trust than the accreditations, licenses, and audits, is the personality of the agency. A phrase that has become common with our team is 'we are about finding families for children, not finding children for families'. Our focus is always on the best interest of the children. We are always willing to answer questions and provide documentation as needed. Although we are a multi-disciplinary group of experienced professionals, we hope that our passionate hearts are as evident as our professionalism. 2 comments
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Expect the Unexpected
02/15/2010
Joy McClain
Expect the unexpected in life. Not something we necessary are good at, especially when our expectations are way off the mark from how reality pans out. This can be especially true in the arena of adoption. It is such an emotional venture and once our hearts have settled on a particular child, we expect heaven and earth to move to help us accomplish the goal of getting that child into our arms and into our home. 
Last summer, the last thing on my and my husband’s mind was hosting a child from Ukraine. We were honestly looking to the near future when our own three children would be leaving the nest. However, unexpectedly, I heard from an old friend and from her came the question, “Would you be willing to host a little boy from Ukraine through a hosting program?” Well, my first thought was that my husband would never go for this and my second thought was that giving consideration to this would drudge up from my heart, old desires to adopt. Then my friend shared pictures of the children who were coming on the hosting program. It was all over for me. My two daughters certainly weren’t expecting mom to show them pictures of Ukrainian orphans, let alone, bring up the possibility of hosting one. They were over the moon with excitement.
Just as I expected, my husband was adamant, “Absolutely not,” he stated. Even after we showed him the pictures, he was standing firm. My son entertained the idea but knew better than to question his dad any further regarding the matter, myself and the girls however, we weren’t ready to give up. Finally my husband agreed to talk about the possibility and eventually agreed to serve as an advocate only, for a particular little guy we had chosen. He firmly warned me however, that we would not be adopting a child; however, he would be willing to show hospitality for a few weeks.
From the time we were first shown the pictures to the time we meet our special guest at the airport was only a little over two weeks. This certainly came up very unexpected. Over the next few weeks, we learned a lot about ourselves; about this special little boy and experienced some unexpected moments – difficult, challenging and wonderful, magical moments.
The day we took our little guy to the airport for his return home, was hard for all of us. Our ride home was very quiet. I asked my husband what he was thinking and he blurted out, “I want him, I want him for my own so badly!” What an unexpected statement from the man who a few weeks prior, wasn’t willing to consider adoption.
Why do we think that once we have settled on adoption or a particular child that there won’t be unexpected delays or issues? Sometimes, the greatest lessons God wants to teach us come when we have to wait, when things don’t turn out as our romanticized notions believed they should; when we finally realize that God has a plan and that he indeed is in control. During our adoption process, there have been days I have had a total melt-down when a delay I wasn’t expecting toppled my self-made time-line. I’ve gotten better at taking it all in stride, keeping in mind that I am the one who has set the expectations of when and how. I must keep in mind that the whole adoption opportunity came to us very unexpectedly and we have been so blessed each step of the way. Not blessed because it has all been easy or fun, but blessed because we know that God is teaching us, preparing us for our continued journey, that will be full of unexpected hills and valleys with a son. Sometimes the most unexpected events in life turn out to be the greatest blessings. 3 comments
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The True Cost of Adoption: a Biblical perspective
02/12/2010
Lydia Tarr
I want to put the many costs of adoption in a Biblical perspective. My belief is adoption is a pure reflection of what God did for us by making a way for us to be part of His family. “His unchanging plan has always been to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ” (Ephesians 1:5 NLT).
 I understand that for many, the financial cost of adoption is overwhelming. It is more than many families think that they can afford, but time and time again I have seen God provide in amazing ways. If we believe that God owns it all, can we then trust His provision – financial or otherwise? For some, God does provide; our Financial Resources Coordinator raised $60,000 and was able to adopt two children. For others, God requires us to sacrifice. Like I asked earlier, if $30,000 would save the live of someone we loved, wouldn’t most of us figure out a way to find the money. Many people have no problem spending that much or more on a car. Which will leave a lasting impact? In addition to adoption loans, there are grants that can be available to many families who want to adopt, although it will cost time to complete the applications.
If we truly believe that God owns it all, the money needed really is not ours. I am not suggesting foolishly entering in to adoption without any type of financial plan and expecting a check to drop in our hands. I am talking about money we have stored for tomorrow; the Lord’s prayer models praying for our daily bread, not having daily bread for 20 years in advance. I have had some families literally balk when I mention a 401(k) or cashing in stock as an option to finance an adoption. When this happens, I am reminded of the parable in Luke 12:16-21 (NLT)
"A rich man had a fertile farm that produced fine crops. In fact, his barns were full to overflowing. So he said, 'I know! I'll tear down my barns and build bigger ones. Then I'll have room enough to store everything. And I'll sit back and say to myself, My friend, you have enough stored away for years to come. Now take it easy! Eat, drink, and be merry!' But God said to him, 'You fool! You will die this very night. Then who will get it all?' "Yes, a person is a fool to store up earthly wealth but not have a rich relationship with God."
The process is different for every family, but God never promised us a life of fairness. If we trust Him, He promises in Romans 8:28, “all things work together for the good of those called according to His purpose.” When things are not progressing as a family expects, I share my personal belief that God has predestined our children. Jeremiah 29:10 says, “For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD”. Sometimes the child adopted is not the one we think it will be; those who persevere usually understand the purpose in the end. There are also times when I feel at the end of my rope with one of my children and parenting them; at that point, I remember that God brought us together and He will give me what it takes to parent. It is a sometimes painful process but one that stretches me and helps me grow, especially when I think of how the relationship compares to the one God has with us.
If we really compare what Jesus did for us and what we have the opportunity to do for the waiting children, our cost is much less than His. Galations 5:6 may express it best, “The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love.” Do you think that Jesus stopped to count the costs as He prepared to do what it took to allow us to be adopted children of God? Was it comfortable on the cross? Was it too hard for Him to handle? Was His time less valuable? Was the cost too great? 2 comments
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The True Cost of Adoption
02/09/2010
Lydia Tarr
Many never realize the complexity of the adoption process. It is something I have tried to explain to many families, only to later realize they don’t truly understand until the end of the process, if then. I tell all my families that adoption is hard; I even had “Adoption is not for the faint of heart” printed on the back of my business card. No single adoption is ever identical to the next. It can be compared to childbirth in that some will have an easy adoption with little pain or effort, while others may struggle and labor hard for the same outcome. I believe the end result is always worth it; however, it is important to recognize the 'hidden' costs of our time, our emotions, our comfort, and our expectations.
Emotions 
For most of us, when we start the adoption process our emotions begin to build as we imagine and fall in love with the fairytale of adoption and the child we will bring home. We dream of the child we want to rescue or the child that will complete our family. Our emotions dictate the story that we tell ourselves; one day it is happy endings and the next day it may be the horror story often portrayed by the media. The hopes and fears we allow ourselves to contemplate are what change our emotions even more than what actually ocurrs during the process. There are many highs and lows along the way. The cost of our emotions effects not only our daily state and stress levels but our health and relationships as well, if not successfully managed. Time
Time is required to gather seemingly countless documents, schedule fingerprints, attend doctors appointments, complete paperwork, etc. That is only a fraction of the time it takes to travel, complete the process in country, and bring our children home. Months, and sometimes even years, are invested in an adoption. The time required in country often determines if a family moves forward. Although we have countries where travel may not be a requirement, I want you to consider something; If I told you that in order for you to save the life of one of your loved ones, you would have to dedicate 4-6 weeks with them, isolated from all that is comfortable to you and the rest of your family and friends, what would you do? Most of us would not hesitate to sacrifice our time and comfort to save the life of the ones we love. Comfort
It is highly uncomfortable for most of us to write the initial check to begin our adoption, much less to hand over thousands of dollars later. Then there is the uncomfortable feeling of divulging our personal information to many along the adoption journey. Some other items that take us out of our comfort zone are fear of flying, travelling, being away from family and our home, not speaking the language, not understanding the culture, and more. For many this is a price too dear, another stumbling block of adoption.
Expectations
Many times, our disappointments or unhappiness stem from the fact that our expectations were not met. Most families enter in to the process with high expectations and don’t expect reality to intervene. Unfortunately, life is full of reality. The reality of life is that not every adoption is successful, not every child wants to be adopted, not every child will be available, and not every family will finish their adoption in record time no matter how hard they try. The reality is that our children will not instantly behave the way we want or want what we want for them. The reality is that our adoption may not go as smoothly as we hoped, but MLJ Adoptions, Inc. is committed to helping you complete an international adoption even if it is not exactly what you expected. There are too many “realities” to list them all. The more balanced you can keep your expectations on the things that you can control, the easier the process will be on you, and the happier you will be in the long run.
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Adoption and the Empty Nester
02/03/2010
Joy McClain
For the most part, friends and family have been extremely supportive of our adoption of a special boy from Ukraine. However, a few times, someone questions us about the timing. They ask why in the world we would choose to bring more children into our home, when ours are beginning to spread their wings and fly out of the nest. It is a time of change in our home; this coming year, our two oldest will be getting married and starting families of their own; while our youngest, is a sophomore in college. One person looked me squarely in the eye and asked, “Don’t you want more time together?” Of course I want more time with my husband, and I don't plan on going anywhere without him. We realize that one challenge of bringing younger children into our lives might possibly mean fewer moments with just the two of us, but we believe the blessings far outweigh that concern.
Actually, we feel better equipped and more confident now than the first time around, when we were young parents with lots of energy but really no clue what parenting would bring. The way we see it, we’ve gone through potty-training, drivers-ed., public school, home school, adolescence, broken-hearts, broken bones, a frustrated teenager slamming doors, and the blossoming of young-adulthood. We know we haven’t seen it all, but we have certainly experienced a lot raising three children.
We are much more relaxed, which can often make for more relaxed children. I think age and the wisdom that should follow allows us to really consider what is important. When my children were young, I worried way too much about keeping the house tidy. It saddens me to think of moments I might have wasted playing with them because I was too worried about the kitchen floor that needed to be mopped. I still like my house clean, but dust doesn’t bother me much anymore. The threat of dirty dishes on the counter or a laundry basket of clothes needing to be folded nowhere near compare to spending time with my family.
I think we enjoy the “wonder moments” of a child more too. In our first round of parenting, we could often by annoyed at the fact that the kids simply wanted to observe life. For instance, getting into the car one day, our kids were fascinated by an ant hill on the patio, while I was more concerned with getting them strapped into the car. Our days were often peppered with words such as: “hurry up", "not now", and "maybe later.” The older my husband and I get, the more wonder we realize the world holds. We aren’t in such a hurry any more; we too, want to stop and admire the things in life that we often rush by.
What better example could we give our young adult children than that of being willing to adopt? We have always desired to teach our children the ways of the Lord. We wanted them to see and experience in their own home a beautiful example of compassion, hospitality, and loving others as yourself. Already, we are seeing the fruit of this example. Our oldest daughter, after her marriage next winter, is hopefully heading down to Mexico to work with the orphans there and hopes to one day adopt lots of babies. Our oldest son, now in seminary has a heart for children and his wife-to-be has an especially tender heart towards special needs children. Our youngest, still in nursing school, is always caring for others and she cannot wait to wrap her arms and heart around her little brother.
While there will come a day when my husband will retire from his job, we don’t necessarily believe in retirement. We love golf, but we don’t want to be about our scores, or migration trips south, or playing cards every night. There is absolutely nothing wrong with any of these things, we just want to be about everlasting, relational and eternal things. We are so grateful that the timing for our adoption came later in life. We might not have been the best for that child had it happened sooner. Besides, I might have the wonderful opportunity to ask my children to babysit before I do any babysitting for them.
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